Befriending our Inner-Critic (and path to Self-Compassion)
Go easy on her - She's probably really young. The messages and voice of the harsh inner critic often go back a long way. In today's discussion, most of us could trace those inner "not enough" messages to age 10 or younger.
These messages of "something is wrong", "I'm falling short", "Not enough" arrived at our youngest age as we sorted out and developed survival strategies to navigate family structures and the world around us. Children are very literal and, in brain development, very ego oriented, meaning they have an outsized idea that they cause the events and actions happening around them. A child can conclude that not great choices made by the adults in their life could only be because the child was not _________ enough. (Good, helpful, funny, cute, impressive, strong enough, etc.) For women, this not "enoughness" can relate back to our body.
So, we internalize these messages early on and patterns develop around them designed to keep us safe and not do anything to risk love or fall short of expectations. As Brene Brown says, we please, perform, perfect and prove. I add a 5th one - Pretend.
Bottom line is the Inner Critic voice is like a small child with unsophisticated tools that desperately wants us to be safe and loved.
Its tools are just simplistic and, at some point, no longer serve. We can see with kind eyes what drives this voice, forgive its harshness as it comes from a place of fear and a deep human desire for love, connection and belonging. When we try to argue back or push that inner voice away, it can, like a young child, it will throw an even bigger, more disruptive tantrum to get our attention, again, out of fear.
Two Wings of Mindfulness & Self-Compassion.
Mindfulness and Compassion are 2 wings that work together. We use mindfulness to build awareness to notice when we are using old strategies, harsh, condemning, unforgiving self-talk. If we're not mindful and aware, we're on auto-pilot and identified with this voice, we can't intercept it.
Once, we're aware, we bring in the other wing of the bird - Self Compassion. We can talk to our self kindly like we would a friend.
This is so hard for you right now
It's ok, sweetheart (little one, mama, honey or other term of affection that resonates)
I care that you're hurting
I'm here for you
Darling, I care about this suffering (from Thich Nhat Hanh)
The path to self-compassion helps move us beyond long-standing beliefs and messages that no longer serve and learn to meet our most hidden corners with love. We free up our capacity to rest in our innate goodness without having to earn it, know our worth is intrinsic and not pegged to external validation or expectations and knowing love from a place of wholeness.