Self-Forgiveness: The Artery of Self-Compassion

Forgiveness for self or others has a sacred rhythm to unfolding. It goes in its own horticultural time and in its own wisdom and alchemy. Flowers are blooming everywhere in Colorado right now where I live. The heart is much like a flower blooming. At some point, you can’t stop the flower from blooming but even a day before it blooms it is not helpful to try to pull the petals open.

Feel to Heal. Rushing to Forgiveness. Before we get to forgiveness, the emotions that are present need to be fully honored, given space and experienced. Sometimes we want to rush to forgiveness because it either seems like the "right" thing to do or the actual emotions we have are unwelcome or feel overwhelming. If we feel fresh bitterness, anger or hurt, we cannot bypass those emotions to get to more comfortable ones. I do not know of another way to heal than to feel and Healing must involve the body, mind and heart. Allow yourself to fully feel and give space to your emotions as the alchemy of allowing them to settle. 

If you don't feel resourced to do this on your own, it is very wise and supportive to work with a helping professional. 

Even when we have been harmed by others or circumstances, we often still blame ourselves for how we handled or reacted at the time. Self-forgiveness allows us to see ourselves through clear, kind eyes that we did the best we could at the time with what we did or did not have, know, understand or believe.

We can incline the heart towards self-forgiveness by practicing with phrases. Bring to mind some aspect of yourself or action you find hard to forgive or accept. Start with something minor to familiarize yourself with this practice.

Begin by feeling the aversion you may feel towards yourself around this word, action or part of you you find difficult to forgive. Invite in the understanding that our most unskillful behaviors are rooted in our own fears, insecurities and wounds. Explore with gentleness what might be driving this unacceptable part of you. If you have wounded another person, did you act out of fear or insecurity? If you have an addiction, ask what unmet need is wanting to be satisfied. What fears are you trying to soothe? When you are judging or controlling others, are you feeling fearful yourself? Are you acting out of the need to feel powerful or safe?

As you sense underlying vulnerability, imagine your future, wiser self holding it and you with compassion., You could imagine sending a sincere offering of kind understanding to the places of fear and unmet needs – to the pain that has given rise to what feels unforgivable.

With that intention held close, you can begin to offer yourself these phrases of forgiveness.

For any way that I have hurt or caused harm to myself, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word or deed out of fear, anger or confusion, I offer forgiveness.

May I forgive myself.

I allow myself to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons.

I forgive myself.

And if I cannot forgive myself now, may I forgive myself some time in the future.

And if I cannot forgive myself in the future, may I carry the intention to forgive. 

Allow those phrases to settle in. If you feel aversion to the word or feeling of forgiveness, know that that, too, can be included. Even aversion or resistance to forgiveness can be met with forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a destination. Inclining the heart and holding your intention to forgive plants the seeds that can gradually soften and open the heart.

What if I remain human, having done inhuman things. What if, in doing these things I had a conscience or not had a conscience, how do I forgive myself? - Alice Walker