Grief & Joy

What is Grief? Grief is not only experienced in the loss of a loved one but also in the midst of change, uncertainty, in the letting go of a belief, loss of a way of life, job, an aspect of ourselves or a relationship. Even the seasonal change from Summer to Autumn can bring us a sense of loss as we move from warmth to cold, trees stuffed with green growth to leaves falling away. The tumultuous foundation shifting events of this year have intensified the experience of loss and uncertainty for every single person at roughly the same time. Events spanning the global health crisis in the pandemic, radiating economic impacts, climate crises and the very deep human reckoning of the current and long-standing systems of privilege and oppression in racial, gender injustice, economic injustice and other dehumanizing structures. The term waking up has been used in these times but, for marginalized individuals and communities, there has never been the option to be asleep.

And Joy? Joy is an essential part of our human experience that includes warm and soft-heartedness, gladness of the heart and tenderness. With joy we grow our capacity for wonder, contentment, beauty, appreciating the joy of others and our own gratitude. As grief brings us close to the fullest aspects of the preciousness of life, we can also tremble in the face of joy as we experience beauty, mystery, happiness and aliveness. Joy is not only found in times of celebration or the gaiety of holidays but in our most ordinary moments which, upon closer inspection, reveal the extraordinary. The fact there is your own awareness in this living human form reading these words is quite a confounding, wild and wondrous mystery in itself!

Joy is the sister of Grief. While grief is often thought to be the most overwhelming, our most vulnerable human emotion is actually joy. The moment we feel closest to joy is when we feel the fragility and impermanence of joy (and all things). Often, our response is to push away the difficulty that can accompany these experiences. By tending to the difficult emotions that can accompany change and loss, we clear out the space and inhabit our fullest capacity for joy.  

Joy vs Happiness. As my dear friend and co-teacher, Karen Bridgett, writes..

Joy is more consistent and is cultivated internally. It comes when you make peace with who you are, and your innate sense of belonging, whereas happiness tends to be externally triggered, short-lived and is based on other people, things, places, thoughts and events. Once you allow your grief to be tended and processed and to really feel into the scary dark side of grief its sister emotion Joy is free to arrive- there is a real freedom in experiencing joy and ease and feeling content that things are unfolding as they need to.

Grief of Letting Go. Reconciliation and (Self-)Forgiveness

Grief gets frozen in childhood and we need to move the grief to the hands of the adult and not the child. Naming the parts of you that you outcast so that you could stay safe is an important part of moving from the stuck child in grief to the adult that can process and release it.

Self-compassion and forgiveness practices are important tools to support the process of welcoming back the outcasts parts. Forgiveness is a practice we do for ourselves. It’s not about letting others off the hook or condoning particular behaviors or punishing others for their actions. It’s a gift to yourself so that YOU no longer have to suffer, so that you can find peace and provide closure and live a more joyous life.

Mindfulness. A Radical Act of Self-Care

In a world of busy, productive, to-do lists, mindfulness invites us to Pause and Pay Attention to the present moment, intentionally and without judgment. The advanced move is to bring a genuine attitude of curiosity and kind interest even to the smallest detail of what we notice or experience. Practicing Mindfulness allows us to fully experience grief, joy and all the moments of our life in its full aliveness and vibrancy. 

Deepen or try for the first time some mindfulness practices as a radical act of self-care and the very nurturance we need to bring ourselves whole, experience our grief and joy, and stand in the fullness of our life even amidst great change.

Homecoming: No Part Left Out

Readings

Practices

Homecoming is an exploration and sincere intention to welcome home parts of ourselves that have been outcast and banished - maybe our sexuality and sensuality, permission to be "ordinary", our sensitivity, sadness, innocence, power, being difficult, wildness or something else. Often shame accompanies this abandonment, as these parts were often abandoned at young ages as we looked to understand from our family systems, structures and culture which parts of us were safe to bring forward and which were not. Shame is one of our most powerful and earliest strategies in our attempts to earn love and belonging. As grown women, we can understand the shame and offer it healing by shining the light on the shame itself and these outcast parts. As we turn towards these parts instead of away, we can cultivate the intention of welcoming all of our parts back home. This can take composting time as these parts want to feel our intentions are sincere and safe. When we withhold love from any part of ourselves, that energy crowds out the space to live our fullest expression. Through homecoming, no part is left out. We belong to ourselves. We become whole and re-discover the joy of being deeply at home in our own heart, mind and body. 

Intentional (Mindful) Talking and Listening

Self-Compassion Practice. A radical act of self-care and self-acceptance. 

Forgiveness – Practice Forgiveness meditation of letting go and noticing what arises in your heart. Welcoming back the parts that you outcast to fully feel grief. Jack Kornfield on Forgiveness, Tips on Forgiveness 

Connect with Sacred Feminine in nature with 4 elements - Earth, Air, Water, Fire

Mandala Practice

Individual Writing Shuttles - Based on the work of Natalie Goldberg and Francis Weller